Not long ago I posted a photograph of the Irishman and my (er, his? our?) cat on Facebook with this caption: Just now, in the man cave. And a friend of mine remarked that she wasn’t fond of the term man cave.

It was just a little banter among friends, but I was intrigued. I pay a lot of attention to words, after all. Was there something wrong—that is, inappropriate—with these particular words?

Now, the thing is, we bought this house specifically to get that room. (OK, there were a few other reasons.) When I met the man who would become my husband, I was living in a smaller home, working from a desk in my bedroom, and when the living room television was on, it could be heard everywhere else in the house. When we were house shopping, we knew we needed a place in which the Irishman could relax while I worked. We bought the house and furnished the room with comfortable furniture we picked out together; we had some shelves built. It’s a beautiful room. I am welcomed there. (Indeed, I have hosted my women friends at “movie nights” in it.)

And at some point both of us started calling it the man cave, in a fond, teasing sort of way. I’m completely indifferent to this phrase; it carries no baggage for me.

So what’s wrong with the term man cave? Is it sexist*? Or antifeminist? Hm. I consider myself a feminist. Quite emphatically so. Yet neither the phrase nor the concept bother me.

The first thing I thought of, frankly, was John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which I read during my Intrapersonal Communication Improvement Phase back in the ’90s (also on that list: Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation). Gray puts forth the idea that when under stress, men “withdraw temporarily, ‘retreating into their cave,’ so to speak.” Under stress I tend to retreat, too—usually to a novel. So I get the concept.

Still, what’s wrong with the term man cave? I googled those very words. And oh my goodness. From a history of the concept to accusations of both misandry (hatred of men; first known use 1909, according to Merriam-Webster) and misogyny (hatred of women, first known use 1656) by users of the phrase, there’s a lot of emotion attached to man cave.

Indeed, when asked, my friend noted it was a gut reaction; when she’d seen it used it was in connection with a sort of man she generally disliked (super macho, misogynistic, and so forth). For me the term is value neutral, simply a shortcut—our family lingo—to say “that room with the big TV where the Irishman (and his dog and cat) hang out.”

In point of fact, young parents are counseled that private space is important for their children; it allows them “to have time and space … to themselves, free from the need to please others.” Often it’s the child’s bedroom. When we grow up, we decorate our first apartments, the desks in our cubicles, corporate or home offices … and sometimes that “room of one’s own” that Virginia Woolf needed to write. I bet you have one.

But we don’t have to call it a cave. I’ve been schooled, now, and so have you. For writers, here are some takeaway points:

• It’s slang, it’s vernacular—perhaps a metaphor if you’re clever.
• Thus man cave works great in dialogue. Depending on the character’s point of view, it can be spoken innocently or ironically or anything in between.
• Remember that man cave is not a neutral phrase: it evokes a strong reaction in some. Be aware of that and use it to your advantage or avoid it if there’s no advantage to be gained.

Just now, in the man cave.

* This young woman thinks so. And it’s OK, it’s OK. I mean no criticism. I just think there are far more important things to get worked up about.

Tweet: What’s wrong with the term man cave? I googled those very words. And oh my goodness.
Tweet: Remember that man cave is not a neutral phrase: it evokes a strong reaction in some.

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