I’ve experienced my share of online confrontation, some of it mean, some of it downright nasty. And I’ve commented on those experiences too (“Two Kinds of People,” “Prescriptivist or Descriptivist,” and “Haters, Gotta Love ’Em”).
This old world is full of blamers, shamers, and bullies who are quick to criticize (and worse). So when you’re putting your name to something you’ve written, fiction or nonfiction, you have to be prepared for pushback. Rachel Thompson, who wrote today’s feature article, points out, “it’s a good idea to have an understanding of the dark side of having your name out there.”
This is a sample:
Here’s what I learned: while it’s best to ignore a bully and not engage them directly, Jay does suggest letting others know that you are being bullied. There’s no reason to protect the bully, in other words. As someone who believes strongly in The Four Agreements—particularly to not take anything personally—I believe that what people say about us says far more about them than us.
Bullies typically have huge egos and very high self-esteem—as if we live in their kingdom and must obey their rules. Their favorite M.O. is spreading unfounded or unsupported rumors online.
What to do: whatever it is that you’ve always done. This latest person had an issue with something she assumed I’ve done on Twitter (something that I didn’t actually do), but rather than engage with her in a case of ‘she said, she said,’ I addressed it once on my Facebook wall so my friends and followers would know if they heard about it what the real situation is, and that was it. I wasn’t even going to write about it here, but others encouraged me to at least discuss the situation because so many others are dealing with it.
Remember, we cannot control what others say or do. It’s on us to be who we are and offer no explanation.
There’s more good advice here, and it should serve as a gentle reminder to be prepared for the trolls, and to think before you type.
Tweet: This old world is full of blamers, shamers, & bullies who are quick to criticize (& worse).
Tweet: The dark side of being an author: watch out for the trolls.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
This one really hit home, because I was once on the wrong side of the argument.
A few months ago, a friend and fellow blogger reviewed a book (whose title escapes me) about not having the right to anger; part of his thesis was that compared to God, we’re all close to being Charles Manson.
I disagreed violently, and commented in a harsh, sarcastic tone. While I still don’t agree with the premise of his work, I owed my friend – and the author, who posted a reply to my comment – courtesy and consideration.
There is some background to the vehemence of my reply; I’ve had to dig out a mass grave in a place that has to be nameless, to find a chain of evidence that connected it with those who created it, so they could receive that which was due them. I dream about that every night.
But PTSD nightmares are not entitlement, and the obligation we all have is to treat one another with the respect due them, and to disagree in a way that’s proportionate to the argument and the forum.
After reading my friend’s dismayed reply to my comment – she had expected better of me – and reading the author’s gracious answer, I was horrified at what I’d done. I wrote an apology, and posted it as a comment.
The apology was accepted; that was sheer grace, because they didn’t have to do that.
The whole thing made me take a long look at myself, and at my perceptions of what’s acceptable, what’s proper, and what’s kind.
I don’t want to be a troll. It’s a long road back from that pit which I dug all by myself.
Just remembered…the book’s title was “Unoffendable”; the author is Brant Hansen, and it was Lisa Burgess’ blog ‘LisaNotes’.
If anyone wants to look it up, it may be an instructive object lesson in how the inner troll came forth.
I almost quit blogging after that; I was disgusted with myself, and felt that the capacity for that kind of response nullified any of the good I was doing, or had done. It’s certainly changed me, and I double-check everything I write before posting.
I do not want to be the person I was on that day, ever again.
I suspect we have all had experiences in which we’ve said something we regret in print. I know I have. Whether it was something said in anger, or just without thinking … The good news is we do learn from it, if we are evolved. 🙂