By now you know I’m endlessly fascinated by words, words, words, particularly the way different groups and cultures use them. (I’m going to note right here that some of the words that follow are strong ones. It can’t be helped. You’ll live.)
I particularly love idioms and colloquialisms. You know, things like I’m so broke I can’t pay attention (think about it, it’ll come) or I’m so sick I’m gonna have to die to get better. (We humans tend to joke about things that frighten us.)
Sometimes they tell a story: The faculty treated the new hire like the red-headed stepchild at a family reunion. Sometimes they offer advice: There’s an ass for every saddle.* Sometimes they describe, as in a simile: It’s hot as the gates of hell. Sometimes they function as an interjection: I don’t know whether to go crazy or wind my watch.**
Sometimes they fill a useful function: Blackberry winter and Indian summer, for example, perfectly describe a type of weather for which we have no other word. Always, the imagery is vivid: Every mother crow thinks her little crow is the blackest. (Or this one: He doesn’t know sh*t from apple butter. Now that, my friends, is a word picture.)
Translations are always interesting and often yield lovely imagery. I recently saw a tweet from which I learned the phrase Not my problem in Polish is “Nie moj cyrk, nie moje malpy.” Translation: Not my circus, not my monkey. I say we ditch not my problem altogether and go for the monkeys. Because there are never enough reasons to say monkey. Or zombie apocalypse, for that matter.
My father was an endless source of these sorts of things, which may be why I delight in them. If one of us kids burped, he’d say, “Bring that up again and we’ll vote on it.” If something fortuitous happened—a parking spot close to the store, say—he’d tell us, “That’s what comes from good, clean livin’, kids.” Describing his irritation with something, he’d say, “I went straight up and turned left.” (I read something similar in Indianan Haven Kimmel’s wonderful memoir A Girl Named Zippy, in which she described her perennially angry father as having gone “straight up and scattered.”) My daddy was a playful man, and if the phone rang when he was in that mood, he’d answer, “Murphy’s Livery Stable: horse sh*t, we’ve got plenty of it!” while we kids rolled on the floor, laughing hysterically.
I ask people all the time for their favorite aphorisms and colloquialisms, the older the better. (Please do post your faves in the comments.) I had an idea that I’d gather them into a book. Then I stumbled on this. I don’t like the title, because it seems to imply that only “country” or Southern folks use these types of expressions. It perpetrates a stereotype I don’t like, frankly. (Tom Petty wrote a lovely song called “Southern Accent,” which begins, “There’s a southern accent / where I come from. / The young’uns call it country. / The Yankees call it dumb.” I understand this sentiment; I’ve seen it in action.) Regardless, the book is altogether too Hee Haw for me. It also has jokes (ick) and is poorly organized. Not the book I had in mind at all.
But this is: the Dictionary of American Regional English (DARE). Launched in 1965 at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, the project has collected and recorded local differences in American English. Six volumes. Be still my heart.
*Thank you, Margaret Pesek, for this one. It may be my all-time favorite, which is saying a lot. **And Cynthia Horn Chavez, thanks for sharing this one.
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Jamie, I’m a first time commenter here, and I have to tell you that I always enjoy your posts.
Over the years my father has gone through a large number of idioms, but the one that pops up in my mind this late morning is: “That really steams my clams!” which was usually spoken in jest regarding anything annoying or aggravating.
I love the idea of a book of these, and I think the title should be “Not my circus, not my monkey.”
OMG OMG! YESSSssss! That is most DEFinitely the title! Brilliant! Thank you, Matthew! Come back anytime. 🙂
no no no, thank you 🙂
Jamie – I think you (and your readers) might love this site – the dialect here is the voice of South Wales – the Land of *My* Fathers (and Mothers!)- I was surrounded with it as I grew up and it pulls at my heartstrings with every line I read. Enjoy 🙂
http://talktidy.com/
I can’t WAIT to immerse myself in this! Thanks, Roz! 🙂
Hi Jamie, I’m enjoying following your posts. This one struck a chord, because I have a friend whose dad is from West Virginia, and I used several of his great phrases in my novel “Two Americas.” (Shameless self-promotion.) Thought you might enjoy these:
“The sheriff out in Knox County couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.”
“I put some hot sauce on a baloney sandwich today. Made it so hot I had to shit in the creek to keep from setting the woods on fire.”
“Grady couldn’t find a mudhole with a new pair of shoes.”
Oh my goodness! I’m laughing out loud over here! And I appreciate that you read and comment! 🙂
Well, having grown up in WV I can tell you it’s THE place for such sayings.
If he were a stick of dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough sense to blow his nose. If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his butt every time he jumped.
LOVE the imagery in these! xox
“Couldn’t find his ass with both hands.” “Sharp as a bowling ball.”
Love love love how language lets one play. Idioms, similes, metaphors and other lovely constructs are like language glitter. Or to try another route, If English were a cookie, these devices would be the chocolate chips – sweet and rich in the mouth.
Anyway, Ted Arnold, a popular children’s book author and illustrator, wrote a book called “Even More Parts” (there are two preceding books called “Parts” and “More Parts” – neither of which we own). In this book, he illustrates the literal interpretation of idioms involving body parts like “That made my skin crawl”. The accompanying illustration shows a disembodied skin slithering away. It’s a fun book and one of my child’s favorites.
Thanks for this post. I have adopted “not my monkey” as my own. It’s very appropriate in my household.
I am all about the monkey. 🙂 I must get my hands on those books!
Hi Jamie,
My dad had so many funny idioms that when he retired the people in his office printed up three pages of them on the retirement party program. One that I picked up from him and have always used to describe something being out of the way or a roundabout conversation: “’round by Laura’s house” is unique to our family. My children used to ask me, “Who’s Laura?” So I asked my dad where the expression came from and he couldn’t remember. But my grandmother remembered that in the tiny country town in Louisiana that she grew up in there was an actual Laura who lived on the outskirts. Going all the way ’round Laura’s house was a big deal.
Fantastic story! I have never heard the Murphy’s Livery Stable line anywhere, although I don’t know for a fact that Daddy made it up.
I’m from northwest Louisiana, and we said ’round by Laura’s house, too!
First time I’ve been to your site Jamie. Love it!
Thank you for commenting, Rachel! Come back any time! 🙂
For the record – Haven Kimmel is from Indiana, not Iowa.
Thank you! I’ll make sure I correct it. 🙂
This one is from my high school friend Bill Williams (yes, William Williams). “If his brains were gas they wouldn’t power a pissant’s motorcycle around a flagpole.”
Now THAT is a powerful word picture.
OMG — I love it!
I love this post, and I’m adopting ‘Not my monkey’ too.
When you write your book, don’t forget the military. Soldiers are a fabulous source of idioms, most of them off-colour, but some of which have had me rolling on the floor, they’re so inappropriately apt.
You might enjoy The Adventure of English by Melvyn Bragg as much as I did. If you haven’t already read it. I listened to it on audiotape, which was ideal as I got to hear the pronunciations, but I’ve asked for a paper copy for Christmas. Since finishing it I’ve referenced it more times than I can count. I may be remembering this wrong, but I’m quite sure he mentions the Dictionary of American Regional English.
Looking forward to reading your book!
Oh yes—my dad was a career air force pilot. I got plenty from him that really aren’t suitable for my blog. 🙂
Love the Polish phrase, as I teach little ones, I can think of many situations where that could perfectly fit the situation!
My friend’s dad used to answer the phone with “John’s Mortuary: You stab em’, we slab em’!”
My mom’s favorite phrase for whining about something was “If wishes were horses, then beggar’s would ride” it was very hard to find a response to that one…
OK, John’s Mortuary and Murphy’s Livery Stable seem to be cut from the same cloth. LOVE the rhyme though!
When I was in high school my best friend’s mom taught us some of her favorite sayings from her high school years. One in particular has stuck with me because the strong (and nasty) picture it paints in my mind:
“He thinks he’s hot snot on a silver platter, but really he’s just a cold booger on a paper plate”
I always love a situation where I get to use that one!
I looooooooooooove this one.
I enjoyed this post! Thanks for tweeting it so your new followers can read it.
Our family used to pile into the car and go for Sunday drives; three cousins (boys) and my brother and me made for noisy rides. My mom would invariably say “Be quiet, I can’t see to drive!”
Hahahah. This made me laugh out loud! LOVE it!
I just stumbled upon your blog. Your dad sounds a lot like mine! He’s always saying stuff like that. Somebody passes gas loudly, “they’re flying low tonight” or his personal invention “holy catfish”. He was also known to answer the phone and pretend it was a beauty salon. “Curls for Girls, what can I do for you?”
I love them! Thank you! I’m starting to wonder if the jokey phone answering was a “thing” in the 40s or 50s … My father had Murphry’s Livery Stable, yours had Curls for Girls, and in a comment above, John’s Mortuary was mentioned. As noted there, seemingly cut from the same cloth. 🙂 Hope you stick around, Denice!
Some of my faves:
more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
slicker than snot on a greased glass door knob
hotter than a freshly f**** fox in a forest fire
colder than a witches t** in a brass bra
And I definitely will use the monkeys!!
Thanks for commenting!
When it was cold my father would always say, “Better keep the brass monkeys in tonight.” Another cold weather one was “The kiki birds are out today.” No clue what a kiki bird is. LOL If he considered somebody to be not to good at what he did he would say that person was “useless as tits on a boar-hog.” If he thought someone was particularly ugly he would say “Their face would stop an 8-day clock.” If someone was two-faced, “Their tongue is split down the middle and talking on both sides.”
My Gram was not one who liked us bugging her with “if” and she would say, “If, if, if! If my grandmother had wheels she’d be a bus and we could all take a ride.” Another one that she used to say, which made no sense to me then and still doesn’t even though I say it to my son just to pass along the legacy was asked after a meal, “Got your fish and fonty full?” It basically is the same as “Got your shirt and pants full?” but I have no idea what a fonty is.
We never answered the phone with funny sayings in our house. That was strictly verboten–the word my father used when something was beyond forbidden. However, in my husband’s house they would answer, “Stella’s Pet Shop, home of the multi-colored goldfish. Stella speaking.” Sometimes they would add “No, the goldfish is not for sale” at the end. After we got married my husband would answer our phone that way sometimes. Irritated my father no end. LOL Sometimes his dad would also answer, “Mack’s Massage Parlor. We never rub you the wrong way.” Stella was the more common one though.
Well, I am stumped by “fonty” too. I just checked the Dictionary of American Regional English for “fonty” and for “fish and fonty” — nothing. I LOVE the “no the goldfish is not for sale”! These are some fabulous sayings! Thanks for bringing them to my attention!
My dad had great sayings of all kinds but my favorite was:
When they put teeth in THAT mouth they ruined a perfectly good asshole.
LOL!
My dad also said “if you bring it up again we’ll vote on it” when someone else burped. & if HE burped & someone said “ew”, he’s say “it sound so much better since I got it tuned, don’t you think?”. If he said something wrong he’d say “my tongue was covering my eye teeth & I couldn’t see what I was saying”. If you had a cold & a runny nose he’d say “Your nose runs & your feet smell… you were built upside down!”. & his big curse, which I’ve never heard anywhere else, was “I don’t give a rat’s ass”.
I love these!